Know Your Triggers

This past weekend was a little hectic. Friday, Jake and I had plans to go to dinner with one of my co-workers and his wife. But, instead Jake took our puking cat to the emergency vet. Then, Saturday morning while I was teaching at Saturday Academy my mom called me to let me know my 8 year old niece was in the hospital and probably would need her appendix removed. Well, sure enough, Saturday night my niece's appendix was removed so I decided to make the trip to see her on Sunday. On my drive back, I was listening to K-Love and they were discussing depression and anxiety. They were discussing ways to deal with anxiety. One of the suggestions was to "know your triggers" to help you realize when you will be struck with anxiety. 

The thing I don't think a lot of people realize is there is a difference between triggers and causes. A cause is the reason WHY the anxiety disorder is a part of you. These reasons could be biology (changes in your body's chemistry- too much or too little cortisol or serotonin) or environment (situations in your past- example: PTSD or experiences from your past). For me, the cause of my anxiety is a little bit of both.

More importantly is understanding your triggers. Triggers are issues that make your anxiety more prevalent. Not everyone who has an anxiety disorder experiences symptoms every day. I have "normal days." In fact, I could have a long stretch of normal days... then all of a sudden, a week of bad "anxiety-full" days. There are triggers that cause my anxiety to become a little more difficult to manage. 

There are natural triggers and invisible triggers. I experience both. Natural triggers are things that would cause people without an anxiety disorder to feel anxious. For example, a stressful job. I don't "blame" my anxiety on my job though. I make the choice to do the job I do and it is because I feel as though God wants me to serve others through teaching. Invisible triggers can include lack of goals, health, news, loss of coping abilities, and anxious thoughts. You can read more about these things on www.calmclinic.com. 

Through my therapy, I have been able to identify my triggers of anxiety. My triggers are anxious thoughts. Specifically regarding situations where I don't have complete control- which unfortunately is a great deal in life!! Some situations don't bother me. Some do. Therapy and self reflection is helping me to identify these triggers and stop them from taking over my thoughts. 

If you aren't in therapy but feel anxiety ridden. Try this: For a week or more write down in a journal every time you feel anxious. Write down EVERYTHING about the moment the anxiety took over you. From what you were wearing, what you were doing, thinking, saying, the time of day, how much sleep you got the night before. EVERYTHING! You will begin to see a link between your anxiousness. Then, when you know you are about to enter a situation that could trigger your anxiety: Stop. Take a breath. And Pray.

 ^"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"       Proverbs 3:5-6

Information taken from http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/causes/triggers. 

Carry Me

Panic. It washes over me in an instant. However, there is no outward manifestation of my innermost feelings. My heart beats fast. My mind is turning. To everyone else, I look normal. Happy probably. But on the inside, I feel as though I can't catch my breath. My therapist calls them my "worry thoughts." I call them my "what if"s.

The intercom sounds throughout the school..."Attention staff and students, this is Ms. Jackie..." 
and I think "what if this is a lock down because an intruder is in our building." "what if he's outside my class." "I need to go lock my door." "I need to get my students into the corner of the room." "I need to get my phone..." 

No. I need to calm down. 

So I began my "reality check"

I am in my classroom teaching 6th grade math. The announcement just went on to remind us that there is indoor recess. There is no intruder. Your students are all working on their exit ticket. Breathe. 

And then I pray.  Dear God, Carry me. 

"Carry Me" - Josh Wilson 
 
I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Inspired by Grace

             I've been debating starting a blog for quite some time. My dear friend Jessica has inspired me to start this endeavor. You see, she is an amazing woman. One of great strength and faith. On May 18th, 2012 at 12:18 pm, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Grace Annmarie. However, the Lord called Grace home just 2 hours and 7 minutes after she was born. Jessica knew this would occur long before her daughter was born, because on December 22, 2011, Grace was diagnosed with anencephaly, a fatal birth defect. Despite this diagnoses, Jessica and her husband, Paul, decided to carry Grace full term. Jessica and Paul have amazing faith and trust in our heavenly Father. Both well aware of the "easier" and "less painfully emotional" choice- they decided God had a special plan for them in carrying their daughter. And boy, were they correct. The choice they made, the birth of Grace, and the few hours that Grace lived has influenced more people in their faith than anyone I have ever known. Jessica felt the calling to start a blog to share her journey with others. She speaks of how she has been able to help others who will share the walk she will be on for the rest of her life.It is through her writing that she is able to shine His light into the darkness others may feel who share the same experiences. I haven't been specifically on this same path, I'll discuss more about my pregnancy journey later, but I find great joy in reading Jessica's blog. In fact, it is a daily ritual for me because I have found great comfort in her words. I encourage you to check it out as well (http://blessedbygracemorris.blogspot.com/) It is because of her and a conversation I had with my sister and therapist, that I too have decided to write about my anxiety filled life and how I've learned to find peace among the anxiousness that surrounds me.
        A few months ago, my sister came to babysit my son while my husband and I had to work and my nanny had a conflict. After I came home from work, we went out to run a few errands. On our way home, we had a conversation about anxiety. It is no secret in my family that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I battled an eating disorder growing up and have always been a "perfectionist" to some degree. However, it surprised me greatly to have my sister share with me some of the feelings she experienced after pregnancy and childbirth. The one example that we were particularly talking about was "the end of the world" that was "supposed" to occur on 12/21/12. I expressed to her how deep the fear was rooted inside me that I would awake in the middle of the night to thunder and be convinced that the world was actually ending. I expressed to her how overwhelming the fear was and how it would almost paralyze me so I couldn't function in any other regard. My sister shared in this same concern. It was so shocking to me, because my sister is a woman who always seems to have everything together. Following this conversation with my sister, my therapist and I discussed how people deal with anxiety. (I'll get to the reason behind the therapy later) She said something that caught my attention.."some people, on the outside, look like they have it all together, but in their minds, their thoughts turn and turn and they are just anxious as anyone else."
        And then I realized.... I am not alone in this world. There are many other woman who share in my anxiety. Yet, there is such a taboo on admitting that your anxious. It's like we cannot admit we are weak. We need to be the amazing wife, the caring mother, the driven career person, the friend who's always on top of everything, and the daughter who holds the family together. So, here I stand. Admitting that I am anxiety ridden from head to toe. Hoping that my experiences, help you find peace amidst your anxiety.  :-)