In order to provide clarity, the decision I was needing to make was between two jobs. One was to stay where I was at and take an administrative leadership position and the other was to change roles completely from childhood education and more towards adult education. It was a really tough choice for me, as I have always felt called to teach. However, in this situation I truly believe I begin to use my faith as a crutch in order to avoid making a potentially life altering, disappointing to some, and overall difficult decision.
The decision to stay would mean less time with my family. Ultimately, a huge sacrifice. I assumed because I felt it was what "God wanted me to do" it should be filled with sacrifice. I convinced myself that God's will is often the more difficult.
It was after much prayer, self reflection and discussions with my husband and people close to me, that I realized.... I was just too afraid to make this choice. My fear was crippling me. I didn't want to disappoint my boss and the people whom I had grown so close with at my place of employment.
I have always wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember. When I has my miscarriage I was convinced I would never experience the swell in my belly, feeling of little baby feet kick, or hear the laughter of my own child. Then, I was blessed with my beautiful son. Now, all I want to do is be the mom he deserves. It's when I thought about him, and the blessing God has given me, I realized I needed to make the choice to change careers.
Now, it's not like I'm not teaching. I will still be working with adults who want to further their education and I will still have a chance to serve others through teaching. It may not be the same type of teaching. And it may not be the students I grew so close with over the past two years. But I have been blessed with this unique opportunity to still teach and be the mom my son deserves. That, my friends, is EXACTLY what I feel called to do!
Making the decision wasn't easy. Telling my boss was even harder. I put it off till the very last minute. I respect my boss and he has given me amazing opportunities to grow in my leadership. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. My anxiety was in over drive before I walked in his office. But, I stopped, prayed, took a deep breath and walked in.
I told him what was on my heart and he met it with compassion and respect. Ultimately, he told me he was disappointed to see me go. But, as a man who lost a child, he understands the necessity of spending time with your children while you can.
So.... In the past few months I've faced some changes. I have since started my new job... And there are days when my heart is heavy and I miss my friends and old place of employment. But, for me, the ability to make this huge decision and face some really deep anxiety about disappointing others has taught me a lot about how God wants us to live our lives and ultimately, to trust in Him. Because, He really does have amazing plans for our future.
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."
Jermiah 29:11
