I haven't written recently because I've had trouble finding the words to say about what is going on right now. In the past month I've been faced with a really large decision to make.... I don't want to explain the exact situation right now just because a final decision has yet to be reached. However, the anxiety that is surrounding this situation is the real issue.
I have been dealing with this big decision for a few months. Honestly, I've been putting off thinking about it. Jake would ask me if I wanted to talk about it and I'd immediately shut down. The thing about decisions is that almost always some one ends up disappointed.... And if there is one thing I hate doing it is disappointing people. Consequently, what always ends up happening is I sacrifice my desires.
In order to avoid that this time around, I've spent a lot of time in prayer reflecting on what God's will is for me. I just want to do what He wants me to do, go where He believes I can best serve Him and others and please Him. Yet, I struggle because I have a husband and a family. And sometimes, my husband's faith is not as strong.
Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker who told me that the thing about decisions is that even though we try to do God's will, we still have free will. My co-worker told me that he didn't believe there was a wrong choice, and that either decision God will use me according to His will. Yet, I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that God gives you signs as to what He desires for your life. I truly believe that some of the toughest situations I have faced have resulted in God's will for me.
About a month ago, I was 100% certain of my decision. Then, shortly after Memorial Day, something came to my attention that made me doubt my decision. So,
within a week, I was 100% certain of the opposite decision. So certain in fact that I begin taking the necessary steps to make the decision permanent. Yet, again, two more events made me go back to my original choice.... And here I am again feeling like I don't know what to do.
No matter what choice I make someone's losing. I can make the choice I truly believe is God's will for me and forever have disappointed my husband. Or, I can make the choice my husband believes is the correct one and possibly sacrifice my happiness.
I'm truly stuck here. Its times like this that I wish my husband and I were on the same level with our faith. I don't know what else to do except pray for him that he may see what God's will is for me and that we can make this decision together. My husbands lack of faith is causing my so much anxiety involved with making this decision. Day in and day out this is on my mind.
Lord, no matter what choice I make, I pray I please You and my husband.
