Super Mom! You're darn right!

I struggle with parenting. Every day I question my decisions. I try to read magazine articles and books to keep me informed of "child rearing best practices." But let's face it.... We all have our own way of raising our children and running our lives. 

While I may not be perfect and I don't know the answer to everything, I love my child more than anything! And that unconditional love is what makes a great parent. 

This blog post came across my newsfeed from a high school friend- I found it inspirational. And, a reminder that we all are super moms in our own way! 

http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1

Decisions Part 2

Well, it's been just over two months since I posted about the "looming" decision that was causing me so much anxiety. I made the decision shortly after I wrote that post. 

In order to provide clarity, the decision I was needing to make was between two jobs. One was to stay where I was at and take an administrative leadership position and the other was to change roles completely from childhood education and more towards adult education. It was a really tough choice for me, as I have always felt called to teach. However, in this situation I truly believe I begin to use my faith as a crutch in order to avoid making a potentially life altering, disappointing to some, and overall difficult decision.

The decision to stay would mean less time with my family. Ultimately, a huge sacrifice. I assumed because I felt it was what "God wanted me to do" it should be filled with sacrifice. I convinced myself that God's will is often the more difficult. 

It was after much prayer, self reflection and discussions with my husband and people close to me, that I realized.... I was just too afraid to make this choice. My fear was crippling me. I didn't want to disappoint my boss and the people whom I had grown so close with at my place of employment. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember. When I has my miscarriage I was  convinced I would never experience the swell in my belly, feeling of little baby feet kick, or hear the laughter of my own child. Then, I was blessed with my beautiful son. Now, all I want to do is be the mom he deserves. It's when I thought about him, and the blessing God has given me, I realized I needed to make the choice to change careers.

Now, it's not like I'm not teaching. I will still be working with adults who want to further their education and I will still have a chance to serve others through teaching. It may not be the same type of teaching. And it may not be the students I grew so close with over the past two years. But I have been blessed with this unique opportunity to still teach and be the mom my son deserves. That, my friends, is EXACTLY what I feel called to do! 

Making the decision wasn't easy. Telling my boss was even harder. I put it off till the very last minute. I respect my boss and he has given me amazing opportunities to grow in my leadership. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. My anxiety was in over drive before I walked in his office. But, I stopped, prayed, took a deep breath and walked in. 

I told him what was on my heart and he met it with compassion and respect. Ultimately, he told me he was disappointed to see me go. But, as a man who lost a child, he understands the necessity of spending time with your children while you can. 

So.... In the past few months I've faced some changes. I have since started my new job... And there are days when my heart is heavy and I miss my friends and old place of employment. But, for me, the ability to make this huge decision and face some really deep anxiety about disappointing others has taught me a lot about how God wants us to live our lives and ultimately, to trust  in Him. Because, He really does have amazing plans for our future. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Jermiah 29:11

Losing my cool

For as long as I can remember I've struggles with anxiety. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with OCD because of my eating disorder. But as I got older, I begin to realize it was all

Anxiety. I need to be in control, and as soon as I feel like I'm not.... I lose my cool. 

In 2008 I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was put on a daily dose of cilatopram. Shortly after I was put on the medicine, I felt A LOT better. My mind didn't wander into thoughts I didn't feel like I control. I felt normal.

When Jake and I decided to start trying for a child, we felt it was best for me to stop taking my medicine. So I did. In July of 2011, I stopped taking my daily dose of "normal." Surprisingly though, it wasn't that bad. I'm not sure if it was he fact that I could obsess about becoming pregnant or of I was just in a better place... But I felt really good. Once I got pregnant and lost her, that was another story. Because Jake and I wanted to continue to try, I decided not to go back on the medicine but to seek therapy. 

Long story short, I got pregnant again. Through therapy I felt good. I wasn't anxious. I knew I was more susceptible to postpartum because of my anxiety but I didn't really think it could happen to me. After all, postpartum only happens to crazy people right? Not. 

The day Reed was born I had a panic attack in the hospital. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode and the walls of the hospital were going to cave in. I didn't tell anyone. I assumed it was because of the extreme stress my body had just been through. 

The next few weeks came and went with what I thought was "normal" postpartum feelings. I obsessed about everything. I was terrified about everything. If I laid Reed on the floor, I was convinced he would be stepped on. Everything was perceived as a weapon to me that i was convinced would some hurt my baby.

I could see it play out in my mind and I refused to let him go because I was so scared.

My best friend, Amanda, got married in October. About three weeks after Reed was born. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I convinced myself that it was normal to be over protective p your child and that these "visions" were just me being protective. 

The morning of my friends wedding, we all got ready at her house. After this, we took a stretch limo to the church. We got in the limo and I remember looking at the doors when they closed. My heart started racing so fast I thought I was going to die. In fact, I had convinced myself I was going to die. 

The day after the wedding my parents babysat so Jake and I could go to the movies. I barely watched the movie because the whole time I couldn't stop thinking that someone was going to come in and shoot up the place just like had happened three months before in Colorado. 

We got out of the movie and I was a mess. Jake and I sat in the parking lot for a good 20 minutes while I cried. I told him I didn't feel normal and thought I needed to go back on my medicine. He really didn't want me to. "I had done so well without it" he said. I told him I had to, things were not getting better. 

Within a week, I went to the OB and talked with her about everything. She told me it was ok that I was feeling like this and encouraged me to go back on my medicine. 

I still have my days... But I feel a lot better. If you are postpartum and feel this way, please, communicate with your doctor and significant other. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The way I look at it is, my little boy deserves the best mama ever, and if I can't do that without the medicine, then I need to be on it. 

Decisions

Things have been crazy in the past month. I can't believe I just finished my 5th year teaching (6th since I've been out of college). I also can't believe that this month Jake and I will be celebrating 3 years of marriage and in August it will be 6 years of dating. Reed just turned 9 months and he is going to be a year before I know it. I don't even know where the time goes. 

I haven't written recently because I've had trouble finding the words to say about what is going on right now. In the past month I've been faced with a really large decision to make.... I don't want to explain the exact situation right now just because a final decision has yet to be reached. However, the anxiety that is surrounding this situation is the real issue. 

I have been dealing with this big decision for a few months. Honestly, I've been putting off thinking about it. Jake would ask me if I wanted to talk about it and I'd immediately shut down. The thing about decisions is that almost always some one ends up disappointed.... And if there is one thing I hate doing it is disappointing people. Consequently, what always ends up happening is I sacrifice my desires. 

In order to avoid that this time around, I've spent a lot of time in prayer reflecting on what God's will is for me. I just want to do what He wants me to do, go where He believes I can best serve Him and others and please Him. Yet, I struggle because I have a husband and a family. And sometimes, my husband's faith is not as strong. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker who told me that the thing about decisions is that even though we try to do God's will, we still have free will. My co-worker told me that he didn't believe there was a wrong choice, and that either decision God will use me according to His will. Yet, I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that God gives you signs as to what He desires for your life. I truly believe that some of the toughest situations I have faced have resulted in God's will for me. 

About a month ago, I was 100% certain of my decision. Then, shortly after Memorial Day, something came to my attention that made me doubt my decision. So, 

within a week, I was 100% certain of the opposite decision. So certain in fact that I begin taking the necessary steps to make the decision permanent. Yet, again, two more events made me go back to my original choice.... And here I am again feeling like I don't know what to do. 

No matter what choice I make someone's losing. I can make the choice I truly believe is God's will for me and forever have disappointed my husband. Or, I can make the choice my husband believes is the correct one and possibly sacrifice my happiness. 

I'm truly stuck here. Its times like this that I wish my husband and I were on the same level with our faith. I don't know what else to do except pray for him that he may see what God's will is for me and that we can make this decision together. My husbands lack of faith is causing my so much anxiety involved with making this decision. Day in and day out this is on my mind. 

Lord, no matter what choice I make, I pray I please You and my husband. 

Finding The Balance

Recently, I started Weight Watchers. I was able to lose about 20 lbs after I had Reed, but I haven't been able to drop the extra 15 that I gained or the extra 10 that I should have lost before I was pregnant. I've done Weight Watchers before and had some success with it and my mother in law and mother have both had success with it so I decided to try it as well. So far, so good. I've lost over 5 lbs and it's been about a month. 

The thing about Weight Watchers is that you have to track everything you eat. You are given a daily point value based on your age and weight. Every food has a point value based on the fat, carb, fiber, and protein content. Let me tell you... your points add up fast if you aren't smart about what you eat or drink. Most fruits and vegetables are zero points. Higher content foods are more points. The other thing is that you have to use portion control. You need to actually be eating the serving size and nothing more- or it's more points!

Last night, Jake and I went out to eat for Teacher Appreciate Day- Applebee's was giving free meals to teachers. I had done pretty well all day and specifically worked on saving my points for dinner by eating a lot of fruits and vegetables for breakfast and lunch. Anyways, the 5 choices teachers were able to pick from were too many points, so Jake offered to switch. He would pick something off of my menu so I could choose a Weight Watchers "approved" item.

Naturally, because I have to track everything that I eat, I started to calculate my points value for how much I could eat, and yes, how many beers I could drink! I looked up from my phone to a very frustrated husband.... He said to me "I am happy you are doing this but why are you becoming so obsessed? You are tracking every piece of food that enters your mouth!"

I've always had trouble finding the balance. I've never been successful at losing weight because almost always it's turned into an issue of starvation. It's not just weight loss. It's other things. Jake tells me he doesn't believe I can be an amazing mother and an amazing teacher.... that one will always come at a sacrifice of the other. I don't know if I believe that... but I really do have trouble finding the balance... Readers- I'm open to suggestions. How do you find the balance??? 

  

Never Good Enough

A large part of my anxiety stems from never feeling like I'm good enough. Actually, I'm not sure if my anxiety causes me to feel that way or if I feel that way because I have an anxiety disorder. It's kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg. Regardless, I feel like my lack of believing in my self has really been getting to me lately. 

Growing up, I always participated in extra curricular activities. Dance, cheerleading, softball, chorus, band etc etc.... But the truth was, I was never really amazing at any of them. I always tried really hard, but there was always this feeling like I was never good enough. In highschool, I was smart, not the smartest student in school. I always felt like I was seeking out praise from my teachers or coaches. I don't really know why. I always just wanted to have one thing that I was REALLY good at.... but I never found it. 

Now, as an adult I am still seeking out that praise. Even though I work really hard, I feel like I'm not always getting the recognition I am seeking. In turn, I get worried that I am not doing enough and that I am going to fail. Then I start to overcompensate and work harder. Often times, stressing myself out beyond belief. Sometimes resulting in tears and panic attacks. 

I get jealous. I get jealous of others who receive the praise I feel like I am seeking. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a wonderful man and praises me. My friend Jessica is amazing and is constantly praising me for my hard work. And recently, my principal has praised me. But, I still find my self feeling like what I do isn't good enough. I still get jealous. Sometimes, I just feel down. Like I will never be good enough. Like I will never have that one thing that I excel at. 

Honestly, the only thing that has helped me break this vicious cycle is remembering what The Bible says:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. I constantly need to ground myself in this verse. I want to do everything for the glory of God. I want Christ's love to radiate through my every word and move. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I am not the "Christly" person that I know God wants me to be. 

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly jealous of a co-worker. At night, I crawled into bed and began to read my "Girlfriends in God" daily devotional. Ironically, the title was "Envy- Wrecking" and the truth of the day was "Do not envy others- it only leads to harm." Psalm 37:8. Continuing on it speaks of 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

Honestly, sometimes I am amazed at the way God's truth calms my anxiety. This week, I am going to try to focus on not envying others because it causes me harm. I can not radiate Christ's love if I am envious. 

The truth is, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve Jesus Christ's sacrifice. But I know that God sent his son to die for my sins.  And even though I'm not good enough, God still loves me- AND THAT IS AMAZING!    

    
 

Show Up and Shut Up

Our series in church right now is about suffering. Today's message talked about how people tend to minimize or materialize. Basically, when someone is dealing with a hard time we tend to try to justify why they are experiencing that pain (materialize) or try to tell them it could be worse (minimize).

One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."

All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.

Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!

Kalee

I haven't found time to write lately. Mostly because I haven't felt I had anything important to say. Last night, I was laying in bed and my mind was racing. It's amazing how my train of thought goes from one topic to another. I started thinking about how technology is a huge part of our life.... And I ended up thinking about Kalee. Kalee is the name I gave my daughter I lost at around 10 weeks pregnant. Sometime later I'll explain why I named her.

If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.

I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."

I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.

Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....

But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....

I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.

The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.

Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...

"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."

So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!

Know Your Triggers

This past weekend was a little hectic. Friday, Jake and I had plans to go to dinner with one of my co-workers and his wife. But, instead Jake took our puking cat to the emergency vet. Then, Saturday morning while I was teaching at Saturday Academy my mom called me to let me know my 8 year old niece was in the hospital and probably would need her appendix removed. Well, sure enough, Saturday night my niece's appendix was removed so I decided to make the trip to see her on Sunday. On my drive back, I was listening to K-Love and they were discussing depression and anxiety. They were discussing ways to deal with anxiety. One of the suggestions was to "know your triggers" to help you realize when you will be struck with anxiety. 

The thing I don't think a lot of people realize is there is a difference between triggers and causes. A cause is the reason WHY the anxiety disorder is a part of you. These reasons could be biology (changes in your body's chemistry- too much or too little cortisol or serotonin) or environment (situations in your past- example: PTSD or experiences from your past). For me, the cause of my anxiety is a little bit of both.

More importantly is understanding your triggers. Triggers are issues that make your anxiety more prevalent. Not everyone who has an anxiety disorder experiences symptoms every day. I have "normal days." In fact, I could have a long stretch of normal days... then all of a sudden, a week of bad "anxiety-full" days. There are triggers that cause my anxiety to become a little more difficult to manage. 

There are natural triggers and invisible triggers. I experience both. Natural triggers are things that would cause people without an anxiety disorder to feel anxious. For example, a stressful job. I don't "blame" my anxiety on my job though. I make the choice to do the job I do and it is because I feel as though God wants me to serve others through teaching. Invisible triggers can include lack of goals, health, news, loss of coping abilities, and anxious thoughts. You can read more about these things on www.calmclinic.com. 

Through my therapy, I have been able to identify my triggers of anxiety. My triggers are anxious thoughts. Specifically regarding situations where I don't have complete control- which unfortunately is a great deal in life!! Some situations don't bother me. Some do. Therapy and self reflection is helping me to identify these triggers and stop them from taking over my thoughts. 

If you aren't in therapy but feel anxiety ridden. Try this: For a week or more write down in a journal every time you feel anxious. Write down EVERYTHING about the moment the anxiety took over you. From what you were wearing, what you were doing, thinking, saying, the time of day, how much sleep you got the night before. EVERYTHING! You will begin to see a link between your anxiousness. Then, when you know you are about to enter a situation that could trigger your anxiety: Stop. Take a breath. And Pray.

 ^"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight"       Proverbs 3:5-6

Information taken from http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/causes/triggers. 

Carry Me

Panic. It washes over me in an instant. However, there is no outward manifestation of my innermost feelings. My heart beats fast. My mind is turning. To everyone else, I look normal. Happy probably. But on the inside, I feel as though I can't catch my breath. My therapist calls them my "worry thoughts." I call them my "what if"s.

The intercom sounds throughout the school..."Attention staff and students, this is Ms. Jackie..." 
and I think "what if this is a lock down because an intruder is in our building." "what if he's outside my class." "I need to go lock my door." "I need to get my students into the corner of the room." "I need to get my phone..." 

No. I need to calm down. 

So I began my "reality check"

I am in my classroom teaching 6th grade math. The announcement just went on to remind us that there is indoor recess. There is no intruder. Your students are all working on their exit ticket. Breathe. 

And then I pray.  Dear God, Carry me. 

"Carry Me" - Josh Wilson 
 
I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Inspired by Grace

             I've been debating starting a blog for quite some time. My dear friend Jessica has inspired me to start this endeavor. You see, she is an amazing woman. One of great strength and faith. On May 18th, 2012 at 12:18 pm, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Grace Annmarie. However, the Lord called Grace home just 2 hours and 7 minutes after she was born. Jessica knew this would occur long before her daughter was born, because on December 22, 2011, Grace was diagnosed with anencephaly, a fatal birth defect. Despite this diagnoses, Jessica and her husband, Paul, decided to carry Grace full term. Jessica and Paul have amazing faith and trust in our heavenly Father. Both well aware of the "easier" and "less painfully emotional" choice- they decided God had a special plan for them in carrying their daughter. And boy, were they correct. The choice they made, the birth of Grace, and the few hours that Grace lived has influenced more people in their faith than anyone I have ever known. Jessica felt the calling to start a blog to share her journey with others. She speaks of how she has been able to help others who will share the walk she will be on for the rest of her life.It is through her writing that she is able to shine His light into the darkness others may feel who share the same experiences. I haven't been specifically on this same path, I'll discuss more about my pregnancy journey later, but I find great joy in reading Jessica's blog. In fact, it is a daily ritual for me because I have found great comfort in her words. I encourage you to check it out as well (http://blessedbygracemorris.blogspot.com/) It is because of her and a conversation I had with my sister and therapist, that I too have decided to write about my anxiety filled life and how I've learned to find peace among the anxiousness that surrounds me.
        A few months ago, my sister came to babysit my son while my husband and I had to work and my nanny had a conflict. After I came home from work, we went out to run a few errands. On our way home, we had a conversation about anxiety. It is no secret in my family that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I battled an eating disorder growing up and have always been a "perfectionist" to some degree. However, it surprised me greatly to have my sister share with me some of the feelings she experienced after pregnancy and childbirth. The one example that we were particularly talking about was "the end of the world" that was "supposed" to occur on 12/21/12. I expressed to her how deep the fear was rooted inside me that I would awake in the middle of the night to thunder and be convinced that the world was actually ending. I expressed to her how overwhelming the fear was and how it would almost paralyze me so I couldn't function in any other regard. My sister shared in this same concern. It was so shocking to me, because my sister is a woman who always seems to have everything together. Following this conversation with my sister, my therapist and I discussed how people deal with anxiety. (I'll get to the reason behind the therapy later) She said something that caught my attention.."some people, on the outside, look like they have it all together, but in their minds, their thoughts turn and turn and they are just anxious as anyone else."
        And then I realized.... I am not alone in this world. There are many other woman who share in my anxiety. Yet, there is such a taboo on admitting that your anxious. It's like we cannot admit we are weak. We need to be the amazing wife, the caring mother, the driven career person, the friend who's always on top of everything, and the daughter who holds the family together. So, here I stand. Admitting that I am anxiety ridden from head to toe. Hoping that my experiences, help you find peace amidst your anxiety.  :-)