Anxiety. I need to be in control, and as soon as I feel like I'm not.... I lose my cool.
In 2008 I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was put on a daily dose of cilatopram. Shortly after I was put on the medicine, I felt A LOT better. My mind didn't wander into thoughts I didn't feel like I control. I felt normal.
When Jake and I decided to start trying for a child, we felt it was best for me to stop taking my medicine. So I did. In July of 2011, I stopped taking my daily dose of "normal." Surprisingly though, it wasn't that bad. I'm not sure if it was he fact that I could obsess about becoming pregnant or of I was just in a better place... But I felt really good. Once I got pregnant and lost her, that was another story. Because Jake and I wanted to continue to try, I decided not to go back on the medicine but to seek therapy.
Long story short, I got pregnant again. Through therapy I felt good. I wasn't anxious. I knew I was more susceptible to postpartum because of my anxiety but I didn't really think it could happen to me. After all, postpartum only happens to crazy people right? Not.
The day Reed was born I had a panic attack in the hospital. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode and the walls of the hospital were going to cave in. I didn't tell anyone. I assumed it was because of the extreme stress my body had just been through.
The next few weeks came and went with what I thought was "normal" postpartum feelings. I obsessed about everything. I was terrified about everything. If I laid Reed on the floor, I was convinced he would be stepped on. Everything was perceived as a weapon to me that i was convinced would some hurt my baby.
I could see it play out in my mind and I refused to let him go because I was so scared.
My best friend, Amanda, got married in October. About three weeks after Reed was born. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I convinced myself that it was normal to be over protective p your child and that these "visions" were just me being protective.
The morning of my friends wedding, we all got ready at her house. After this, we took a stretch limo to the church. We got in the limo and I remember looking at the doors when they closed. My heart started racing so fast I thought I was going to die. In fact, I had convinced myself I was going to die.
The day after the wedding my parents babysat so Jake and I could go to the movies. I barely watched the movie because the whole time I couldn't stop thinking that someone was going to come in and shoot up the place just like had happened three months before in Colorado.
We got out of the movie and I was a mess. Jake and I sat in the parking lot for a good 20 minutes while I cried. I told him I didn't feel normal and thought I needed to go back on my medicine. He really didn't want me to. "I had done so well without it" he said. I told him I had to, things were not getting better.
Within a week, I went to the OB and talked with her about everything. She told me it was ok that I was feeling like this and encouraged me to go back on my medicine.
I still have my days... But I feel a lot better. If you are postpartum and feel this way, please, communicate with your doctor and significant other. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The way I look at it is, my little boy deserves the best mama ever, and if I can't do that without the medicine, then I need to be on it.
