A large part of my anxiety stems from never feeling like I'm good enough. Actually, I'm not sure if my anxiety causes me to feel that way or if I feel that way because I have an anxiety disorder. It's kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg. Regardless, I feel like my lack of believing in my self has really been getting to me lately.
Growing up, I always participated in extra curricular activities. Dance, cheerleading, softball, chorus, band etc etc.... But the truth was, I was never really amazing at any of them. I always tried really hard, but there was always this feeling like I was never good enough. In highschool, I was smart, not the smartest student in school. I always felt like I was seeking out praise from my teachers or coaches. I don't really know why. I always just wanted to have one thing that I was REALLY good at.... but I never found it.
Now, as an adult I am still seeking out that praise. Even though I work really hard, I feel like I'm not always getting the recognition I am seeking. In turn, I get worried that I am not doing enough and that I am going to fail. Then I start to overcompensate and work harder. Often times, stressing myself out beyond belief. Sometimes resulting in tears and panic attacks.
I get jealous. I get jealous of others who receive the praise I feel like I am seeking. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a wonderful man and praises me. My friend Jessica is amazing and is constantly praising me for my hard work. And recently, my principal has praised me. But, I still find my self feeling like what I do isn't good enough. I still get jealous. Sometimes, I just feel down. Like I will never be good enough. Like I will never have that one thing that I excel at.
Honestly, the only thing that has helped me break this vicious cycle is remembering what The Bible says:
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. I constantly need to ground myself in this verse. I want to do everything for the glory of God. I want Christ's love to radiate through my every word and move. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I am not the "Christly" person that I know God wants me to be.
Yesterday, I was feeling particularly jealous of a co-worker. At night, I crawled into bed and began to read my "Girlfriends in God" daily devotional. Ironically, the title was "Envy- Wrecking" and the truth of the day was "Do not envy others- it only leads to harm." Psalm 37:8. Continuing on it speaks of 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Honestly, sometimes I am amazed at the way God's truth calms my anxiety. This week, I am going to try to focus on not envying others because it causes me harm. I can not radiate Christ's love if I am envious.
The truth is, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve Jesus Christ's sacrifice. But I know that God sent his son to die for my sins. And even though I'm not good enough, God still loves me- AND THAT IS AMAZING!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Show Up and Shut Up
Our series in church right now is about suffering. Today's message talked about how people tend to minimize or materialize. Basically, when someone is dealing with a hard time we tend to try to justify why they are experiencing that pain (materialize) or try to tell them it could be worse (minimize).
One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."
All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.
Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!
One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."
All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.
Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Kalee
I haven't found time to write lately. Mostly because I haven't felt I had anything important to say. Last night, I was laying in bed and my mind was racing. It's amazing how my train of thought goes from one topic to another. I started thinking about how technology is a huge part of our life.... And I ended up thinking about Kalee. Kalee is the name I gave my daughter I lost at around 10 weeks pregnant. Sometime later I'll explain why I named her.
If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.
I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."
I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.
Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....
But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....
I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.
The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.
Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...
"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."
So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!
If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.
I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."
I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.
Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....
But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....
I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.
The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.
Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...
"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."
So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!
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