A large part of my anxiety stems from never feeling like I'm good enough. Actually, I'm not sure if my anxiety causes me to feel that way or if I feel that way because I have an anxiety disorder. It's kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg. Regardless, I feel like my lack of believing in my self has really been getting to me lately.
Growing up, I always participated in extra curricular activities. Dance, cheerleading, softball, chorus, band etc etc.... But the truth was, I was never really amazing at any of them. I always tried really hard, but there was always this feeling like I was never good enough. In highschool, I was smart, not the smartest student in school. I always felt like I was seeking out praise from my teachers or coaches. I don't really know why. I always just wanted to have one thing that I was REALLY good at.... but I never found it.
Now, as an adult I am still seeking out that praise. Even though I work really hard, I feel like I'm not always getting the recognition I am seeking. In turn, I get worried that I am not doing enough and that I am going to fail. Then I start to overcompensate and work harder. Often times, stressing myself out beyond belief. Sometimes resulting in tears and panic attacks.
I get jealous. I get jealous of others who receive the praise I feel like I am seeking. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a wonderful man and praises me. My friend Jessica is amazing and is constantly praising me for my hard work. And recently, my principal has praised me. But, I still find my self feeling like what I do isn't good enough. I still get jealous. Sometimes, I just feel down. Like I will never be good enough. Like I will never have that one thing that I excel at.
Honestly, the only thing that has helped me break this vicious cycle is remembering what The Bible says:
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. I constantly need to ground myself in this verse. I want to do everything for the glory of God. I want Christ's love to radiate through my every word and move. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I am not the "Christly" person that I know God wants me to be.
Yesterday, I was feeling particularly jealous of a co-worker. At night, I crawled into bed and began to read my "Girlfriends in God" daily devotional. Ironically, the title was "Envy- Wrecking" and the truth of the day was "Do not envy others- it only leads to harm." Psalm 37:8. Continuing on it speaks of 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."
Honestly, sometimes I am amazed at the way God's truth calms my anxiety. This week, I am going to try to focus on not envying others because it causes me harm. I can not radiate Christ's love if I am envious.
The truth is, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve Jesus Christ's sacrifice. But I know that God sent his son to die for my sins. And even though I'm not good enough, God still loves me- AND THAT IS AMAZING!
Tuesday, April 30, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Show Up and Shut Up
Our series in church right now is about suffering. Today's message talked about how people tend to minimize or materialize. Basically, when someone is dealing with a hard time we tend to try to justify why they are experiencing that pain (materialize) or try to tell them it could be worse (minimize).
One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."
All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.
Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!
One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."
All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.
Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!
Friday, April 5, 2013
Kalee
I haven't found time to write lately. Mostly because I haven't felt I had anything important to say. Last night, I was laying in bed and my mind was racing. It's amazing how my train of thought goes from one topic to another. I started thinking about how technology is a huge part of our life.... And I ended up thinking about Kalee. Kalee is the name I gave my daughter I lost at around 10 weeks pregnant. Sometime later I'll explain why I named her.
If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.
I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."
I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.
Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....
But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....
I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.
The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.
Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...
"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."
So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!
If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.
I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."
I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.
Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....
But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....
I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.
The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.
Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...
"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."
So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Know Your Triggers
This past weekend was a little hectic. Friday, Jake and I had plans to go to dinner with one of my co-workers and his wife. But, instead Jake took our puking cat to the emergency vet. Then, Saturday morning while I was teaching at Saturday Academy my mom called me to let me know my 8 year old niece was in the hospital and probably would need her appendix removed. Well, sure enough, Saturday night my niece's appendix was removed so I decided to make the trip to see her on Sunday. On my drive back, I was listening to K-Love and they were discussing depression and anxiety. They were discussing ways to deal with anxiety. One of the suggestions was to "know your triggers" to help you realize when you will be struck with anxiety.
The thing I don't think a lot of people realize is there is a difference between triggers and causes. A cause is the reason WHY the anxiety disorder is a part of you. These reasons could be biology (changes in your body's chemistry- too much or too little cortisol or serotonin) or environment (situations in your past- example: PTSD or experiences from your past). For me, the cause of my anxiety is a little bit of both.
More importantly is understanding your triggers. Triggers are issues that make your anxiety more prevalent. Not everyone who has an anxiety disorder experiences symptoms every day. I have "normal days." In fact, I could have a long stretch of normal days... then all of a sudden, a week of bad "anxiety-full" days. There are triggers that cause my anxiety to become a little more difficult to manage.
There are natural triggers and invisible triggers. I experience both. Natural triggers are things that would cause people without an anxiety disorder to feel anxious. For example, a stressful job. I don't "blame" my anxiety on my job though. I make the choice to do the job I do and it is because I feel as though God wants me to serve others through teaching. Invisible triggers can include lack of goals, health, news, loss of coping abilities, and anxious thoughts. You can read more about these things on www.calmclinic.com.
Through my therapy, I have been able to identify my triggers of anxiety. My triggers are anxious thoughts. Specifically regarding situations where I don't have complete control- which unfortunately is a great deal in life!! Some situations don't bother me. Some do. Therapy and self reflection is helping me to identify these triggers and stop them from taking over my thoughts.
If you aren't in therapy but feel anxiety ridden. Try this: For a week or more write down in a journal every time you feel anxious. Write down EVERYTHING about the moment the anxiety took over you. From what you were wearing, what you were doing, thinking, saying, the time of day, how much sleep you got the night before. EVERYTHING! You will begin to see a link between your anxiousness. Then, when you know you are about to enter a situation that could trigger your anxiety: Stop. Take a breath. And Pray.
Information taken from http://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/causes/triggers.
The thing I don't think a lot of people realize is there is a difference between triggers and causes. A cause is the reason WHY the anxiety disorder is a part of you. These reasons could be biology (changes in your body's chemistry- too much or too little cortisol or serotonin) or environment (situations in your past- example: PTSD or experiences from your past). For me, the cause of my anxiety is a little bit of both.
More importantly is understanding your triggers. Triggers are issues that make your anxiety more prevalent. Not everyone who has an anxiety disorder experiences symptoms every day. I have "normal days." In fact, I could have a long stretch of normal days... then all of a sudden, a week of bad "anxiety-full" days. There are triggers that cause my anxiety to become a little more difficult to manage.
There are natural triggers and invisible triggers. I experience both. Natural triggers are things that would cause people without an anxiety disorder to feel anxious. For example, a stressful job. I don't "blame" my anxiety on my job though. I make the choice to do the job I do and it is because I feel as though God wants me to serve others through teaching. Invisible triggers can include lack of goals, health, news, loss of coping abilities, and anxious thoughts. You can read more about these things on www.calmclinic.com.
Through my therapy, I have been able to identify my triggers of anxiety. My triggers are anxious thoughts. Specifically regarding situations where I don't have complete control- which unfortunately is a great deal in life!! Some situations don't bother me. Some do. Therapy and self reflection is helping me to identify these triggers and stop them from taking over my thoughts.
If you aren't in therapy but feel anxiety ridden. Try this: For a week or more write down in a journal every time you feel anxious. Write down EVERYTHING about the moment the anxiety took over you. From what you were wearing, what you were doing, thinking, saying, the time of day, how much sleep you got the night before. EVERYTHING! You will begin to see a link between your anxiousness. Then, when you know you are about to enter a situation that could trigger your anxiety: Stop. Take a breath. And Pray.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Proverbs 3:5-6
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Carry Me
Panic. It washes over me in an instant. However, there is no outward manifestation of my innermost feelings. My heart beats fast. My mind is turning. To everyone else, I look normal. Happy probably. But on the inside, I feel as though I can't catch my breath. My therapist calls them my "worry thoughts." I call them my "what if"s.
The intercom sounds throughout the school..."Attention staff and students, this is Ms. Jackie..."
and I think "what if this is a lock down because an intruder is in our building." "what if he's outside my class." "I need to go lock my door." "I need to get my students into the corner of the room." "I need to get my phone..."
No. I need to calm down.
So I began my "reality check"
I am in my classroom teaching 6th grade math. The announcement just went on to remind us that there is indoor recess. There is no intruder. Your students are all working on their exit ticket. Breathe.
And then I pray. Dear God, Carry me.
"Carry Me" - Josh Wilson
I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
The intercom sounds throughout the school..."Attention staff and students, this is Ms. Jackie..."
and I think "what if this is a lock down because an intruder is in our building." "what if he's outside my class." "I need to go lock my door." "I need to get my students into the corner of the room." "I need to get my phone..."
No. I need to calm down.
So I began my "reality check"
I am in my classroom teaching 6th grade math. The announcement just went on to remind us that there is indoor recess. There is no intruder. Your students are all working on their exit ticket. Breathe.
And then I pray. Dear God, Carry me.
"Carry Me" - Josh Wilson
I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave
Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now
Monday, March 11, 2013
Inspired by Grace
I've been debating starting a blog for quite some time. My dear friend Jessica has inspired me to start this endeavor. You see, she is an amazing woman. One of great strength and faith. On May 18th, 2012 at 12:18 pm, she gave birth to a beautiful baby girl named Grace Annmarie. However, the Lord called Grace home just 2 hours and 7 minutes after she was born. Jessica knew this would occur long before her daughter was born, because on December 22, 2011, Grace was diagnosed with anencephaly, a fatal birth defect. Despite this diagnoses, Jessica and her husband, Paul, decided to carry Grace full term. Jessica and Paul have amazing faith and trust in our heavenly Father. Both well aware of the "easier" and "less painfully emotional" choice- they decided God had a special plan for them in carrying their daughter. And boy, were they correct. The choice they made, the birth of Grace, and the few hours that Grace lived has influenced more people in their faith than anyone I have ever known. Jessica felt the calling to start a blog to share her journey with others. She speaks of how she has been able to help others who will share the walk she will be on for the rest of her life.It is through her writing that she is able to shine His light into the darkness others may feel who share the same experiences. I haven't been specifically on this same path, I'll discuss more about my pregnancy journey later, but I find great joy in reading Jessica's blog. In fact, it is a daily ritual for me because I have found great comfort in her words. I encourage you to check it out as well (http://blessedbygracemorris.blogspot.com/) It is because of her and a conversation I had with my sister and therapist, that I too have decided to write about my anxiety filled life and how I've learned to find peace among the anxiousness that surrounds me.
A few months ago, my sister came to babysit my son while my husband and I had to work and my nanny had a conflict. After I came home from work, we went out to run a few errands. On our way home, we had a conversation about anxiety. It is no secret in my family that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I battled an eating disorder growing up and have always been a "perfectionist" to some degree. However, it surprised me greatly to have my sister share with me some of the feelings she experienced after pregnancy and childbirth. The one example that we were particularly talking about was "the end of the world" that was "supposed" to occur on 12/21/12. I expressed to her how deep the fear was rooted inside me that I would awake in the middle of the night to thunder and be convinced that the world was actually ending. I expressed to her how overwhelming the fear was and how it would almost paralyze me so I couldn't function in any other regard. My sister shared in this same concern. It was so shocking to me, because my sister is a woman who always seems to have everything together. Following this conversation with my sister, my therapist and I discussed how people deal with anxiety. (I'll get to the reason behind the therapy later) She said something that caught my attention.."some people, on the outside, look like they have it all together, but in their minds, their thoughts turn and turn and they are just anxious as anyone else."
And then I realized.... I am not alone in this world. There are many other woman who share in my anxiety. Yet, there is such a taboo on admitting that your anxious. It's like we cannot admit we are weak. We need to be the amazing wife, the caring mother, the driven career person, the friend who's always on top of everything, and the daughter who holds the family together. So, here I stand. Admitting that I am anxiety ridden from head to toe. Hoping that my experiences, help you find peace amidst your anxiety. :-)
A few months ago, my sister came to babysit my son while my husband and I had to work and my nanny had a conflict. After I came home from work, we went out to run a few errands. On our way home, we had a conversation about anxiety. It is no secret in my family that I suffer from an anxiety disorder. I battled an eating disorder growing up and have always been a "perfectionist" to some degree. However, it surprised me greatly to have my sister share with me some of the feelings she experienced after pregnancy and childbirth. The one example that we were particularly talking about was "the end of the world" that was "supposed" to occur on 12/21/12. I expressed to her how deep the fear was rooted inside me that I would awake in the middle of the night to thunder and be convinced that the world was actually ending. I expressed to her how overwhelming the fear was and how it would almost paralyze me so I couldn't function in any other regard. My sister shared in this same concern. It was so shocking to me, because my sister is a woman who always seems to have everything together. Following this conversation with my sister, my therapist and I discussed how people deal with anxiety. (I'll get to the reason behind the therapy later) She said something that caught my attention.."some people, on the outside, look like they have it all together, but in their minds, their thoughts turn and turn and they are just anxious as anyone else."
And then I realized.... I am not alone in this world. There are many other woman who share in my anxiety. Yet, there is such a taboo on admitting that your anxious. It's like we cannot admit we are weak. We need to be the amazing wife, the caring mother, the driven career person, the friend who's always on top of everything, and the daughter who holds the family together. So, here I stand. Admitting that I am anxiety ridden from head to toe. Hoping that my experiences, help you find peace amidst your anxiety. :-)
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