Kalee

I haven't found time to write lately. Mostly because I haven't felt I had anything important to say. Last night, I was laying in bed and my mind was racing. It's amazing how my train of thought goes from one topic to another. I started thinking about how technology is a huge part of our life.... And I ended up thinking about Kalee. Kalee is the name I gave my daughter I lost at around 10 weeks pregnant. Sometime later I'll explain why I named her.

If you've ever had a miscarriage... You'll understand what I'm about to say. Not that anyone who hasn't cant sympathize but I don't believe they can empathize in that way.

I will never forget the day. It was September 29th, 2011. I was so excited to be leaving work early to go to my first ultrasound! I announced my pregnancy to a few of my co-workers and left work to meet my husband at the doctors. We went into the office and I got ready for my ultrasound. Within 30 minutes of being at the office, we were moved from the ultrasound room to an office because my sobs were so uncontrollable that I'm sure I was scaring other patients. It was in that room that the nurse explained I had what they thought was a molar pregnancy and basically my "pregnancy was not viable."

I can remember everything that happened from that point on. I remember calling my mom and sister and they cried for us and with us. Because the doctors thought it was a molar pregnancy, I had to have a DNC- put nicely its a surgical removal of the baby. I wish more than anything I ha opted not to do that... But I was so scared and angry that I had lost my first child.

Friday, September 30th, Jessica sent me an email. It explained how she had been through something similar and how she began to learn to trust God and His plan for her. It was then that I told Jake I wanted t make sure we continued to go to church. I wasn't going to let this make me angry and bitter.....

But it did. Grief took a hold of me in ways I'm not sure anyone could every understand unless they've been in a similar situation. I fought constantly with Jake, my mother, and sister. The people who I consider my best friends. I love my husband. But he will never understand what it feels like to be a woman who lost a pregnancy. I felt like my body failed me at the only thing it was responsible for as a woman! My mother and sister wanted me to move on. Jake kept telling me to go get help....

I got pregnant with my son in December. I was scared. So scared. Jake and I didn't even say the word pregnant until we heard his little heart beat on the screen at around 7 weeks. I didn't tell really anyone that I was pregnant until almost three months. I was a mess. I was convinced I was going to lose the baby. I was so scared.... Constantly. Finally, I decided enough was enough. I called a therapist under my insurance and I started to go. I looked up one who dealt specifically with anxiety and grief. I had been off my anxiety medicine since August when we started to try to get pregnant and I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to handle my emotions on my own. I thought I could. I tried to be faithful. The devil had a stronghold on my heart. I couldn't do it alone. I needed someone to talk to. I felt guilty going to therapy. I had been able to "handle" my anxiety.

The decision to go therapy is one of the best decision I could have made. Jake encouraged me and I'm really glad he did. If you are struggling with anxiety I encourage you to seek help. Medicine helps, but the therapy has taught me to deal with my anxiety in a different way. I have found healing in ways I never thought possible. I thought I was weak going. But it turns out, my faith has grown exponentially.

Some people say that anxiety is manageable if you just have strong faith. I disagree. I couldn't grow my faith because I couldn't manage my "what if" thoughts. Recently, I started a daily devotional called Girlfriends in God. It's an app on my phone. This is what it says about therapy...

"God gave counselors their gifts to use for Him in ministry. He must have known that we would need them and the gift of healing they bring when balancing the psychological world with the healing power of a living God. Somewhere in your world, God has stationed servants who are equipped and ready to help you."

So, if your struggling with anxiety. I encourage you to seek help. God has placed these counselors in the world to heal you and help you!!!!