Never Good Enough

A large part of my anxiety stems from never feeling like I'm good enough. Actually, I'm not sure if my anxiety causes me to feel that way or if I feel that way because I have an anxiety disorder. It's kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg. Regardless, I feel like my lack of believing in my self has really been getting to me lately. 

Growing up, I always participated in extra curricular activities. Dance, cheerleading, softball, chorus, band etc etc.... But the truth was, I was never really amazing at any of them. I always tried really hard, but there was always this feeling like I was never good enough. In highschool, I was smart, not the smartest student in school. I always felt like I was seeking out praise from my teachers or coaches. I don't really know why. I always just wanted to have one thing that I was REALLY good at.... but I never found it. 

Now, as an adult I am still seeking out that praise. Even though I work really hard, I feel like I'm not always getting the recognition I am seeking. In turn, I get worried that I am not doing enough and that I am going to fail. Then I start to overcompensate and work harder. Often times, stressing myself out beyond belief. Sometimes resulting in tears and panic attacks. 

I get jealous. I get jealous of others who receive the praise I feel like I am seeking. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a wonderful man and praises me. My friend Jessica is amazing and is constantly praising me for my hard work. And recently, my principal has praised me. But, I still find my self feeling like what I do isn't good enough. I still get jealous. Sometimes, I just feel down. Like I will never be good enough. Like I will never have that one thing that I excel at. 

Honestly, the only thing that has helped me break this vicious cycle is remembering what The Bible says:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. I constantly need to ground myself in this verse. I want to do everything for the glory of God. I want Christ's love to radiate through my every word and move. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I am not the "Christly" person that I know God wants me to be. 

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly jealous of a co-worker. At night, I crawled into bed and began to read my "Girlfriends in God" daily devotional. Ironically, the title was "Envy- Wrecking" and the truth of the day was "Do not envy others- it only leads to harm." Psalm 37:8. Continuing on it speaks of 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

Honestly, sometimes I am amazed at the way God's truth calms my anxiety. This week, I am going to try to focus on not envying others because it causes me harm. I can not radiate Christ's love if I am envious. 

The truth is, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve Jesus Christ's sacrifice. But I know that God sent his son to die for my sins.  And even though I'm not good enough, God still loves me- AND THAT IS AMAZING!