Super Mom! You're darn right!

I struggle with parenting. Every day I question my decisions. I try to read magazine articles and books to keep me informed of "child rearing best practices." But let's face it.... We all have our own way of raising our children and running our lives. 

While I may not be perfect and I don't know the answer to everything, I love my child more than anything! And that unconditional love is what makes a great parent. 

This blog post came across my newsfeed from a high school friend- I found it inspirational. And, a reminder that we all are super moms in our own way! 

http://www.sowonderfulsomarvelous.com/2013/06/moms-when-are-you-going-to-learn.html?m=1

Decisions Part 2

Well, it's been just over two months since I posted about the "looming" decision that was causing me so much anxiety. I made the decision shortly after I wrote that post. 

In order to provide clarity, the decision I was needing to make was between two jobs. One was to stay where I was at and take an administrative leadership position and the other was to change roles completely from childhood education and more towards adult education. It was a really tough choice for me, as I have always felt called to teach. However, in this situation I truly believe I begin to use my faith as a crutch in order to avoid making a potentially life altering, disappointing to some, and overall difficult decision.

The decision to stay would mean less time with my family. Ultimately, a huge sacrifice. I assumed because I felt it was what "God wanted me to do" it should be filled with sacrifice. I convinced myself that God's will is often the more difficult. 

It was after much prayer, self reflection and discussions with my husband and people close to me, that I realized.... I was just too afraid to make this choice. My fear was crippling me. I didn't want to disappoint my boss and the people whom I had grown so close with at my place of employment. 

I have always wanted to be a mother. For as long as I can remember. When I has my miscarriage I was  convinced I would never experience the swell in my belly, feeling of little baby feet kick, or hear the laughter of my own child. Then, I was blessed with my beautiful son. Now, all I want to do is be the mom he deserves. It's when I thought about him, and the blessing God has given me, I realized I needed to make the choice to change careers.

Now, it's not like I'm not teaching. I will still be working with adults who want to further their education and I will still have a chance to serve others through teaching. It may not be the same type of teaching. And it may not be the students I grew so close with over the past two years. But I have been blessed with this unique opportunity to still teach and be the mom my son deserves. That, my friends, is EXACTLY what I feel called to do! 

Making the decision wasn't easy. Telling my boss was even harder. I put it off till the very last minute. I respect my boss and he has given me amazing opportunities to grow in my leadership. The last thing I wanted to do was disappoint him. My anxiety was in over drive before I walked in his office. But, I stopped, prayed, took a deep breath and walked in. 

I told him what was on my heart and he met it with compassion and respect. Ultimately, he told me he was disappointed to see me go. But, as a man who lost a child, he understands the necessity of spending time with your children while you can. 

So.... In the past few months I've faced some changes. I have since started my new job... And there are days when my heart is heavy and I miss my friends and old place of employment. But, for me, the ability to make this huge decision and face some really deep anxiety about disappointing others has taught me a lot about how God wants us to live our lives and ultimately, to trust  in Him. Because, He really does have amazing plans for our future. 

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."

Jermiah 29:11

Losing my cool

For as long as I can remember I've struggles with anxiety. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with OCD because of my eating disorder. But as I got older, I begin to realize it was all

Anxiety. I need to be in control, and as soon as I feel like I'm not.... I lose my cool. 

In 2008 I was officially diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. I was put on a daily dose of cilatopram. Shortly after I was put on the medicine, I felt A LOT better. My mind didn't wander into thoughts I didn't feel like I control. I felt normal.

When Jake and I decided to start trying for a child, we felt it was best for me to stop taking my medicine. So I did. In July of 2011, I stopped taking my daily dose of "normal." Surprisingly though, it wasn't that bad. I'm not sure if it was he fact that I could obsess about becoming pregnant or of I was just in a better place... But I felt really good. Once I got pregnant and lost her, that was another story. Because Jake and I wanted to continue to try, I decided not to go back on the medicine but to seek therapy. 

Long story short, I got pregnant again. Through therapy I felt good. I wasn't anxious. I knew I was more susceptible to postpartum because of my anxiety but I didn't really think it could happen to me. After all, postpartum only happens to crazy people right? Not. 

The day Reed was born I had a panic attack in the hospital. I remember feeling like my heart was going to explode and the walls of the hospital were going to cave in. I didn't tell anyone. I assumed it was because of the extreme stress my body had just been through. 

The next few weeks came and went with what I thought was "normal" postpartum feelings. I obsessed about everything. I was terrified about everything. If I laid Reed on the floor, I was convinced he would be stepped on. Everything was perceived as a weapon to me that i was convinced would some hurt my baby.

I could see it play out in my mind and I refused to let him go because I was so scared.

My best friend, Amanda, got married in October. About three weeks after Reed was born. This was the straw that broke the camels back. I convinced myself that it was normal to be over protective p your child and that these "visions" were just me being protective. 

The morning of my friends wedding, we all got ready at her house. After this, we took a stretch limo to the church. We got in the limo and I remember looking at the doors when they closed. My heart started racing so fast I thought I was going to die. In fact, I had convinced myself I was going to die. 

The day after the wedding my parents babysat so Jake and I could go to the movies. I barely watched the movie because the whole time I couldn't stop thinking that someone was going to come in and shoot up the place just like had happened three months before in Colorado. 

We got out of the movie and I was a mess. Jake and I sat in the parking lot for a good 20 minutes while I cried. I told him I didn't feel normal and thought I needed to go back on my medicine. He really didn't want me to. "I had done so well without it" he said. I told him I had to, things were not getting better. 

Within a week, I went to the OB and talked with her about everything. She told me it was ok that I was feeling like this and encouraged me to go back on my medicine. 

I still have my days... But I feel a lot better. If you are postpartum and feel this way, please, communicate with your doctor and significant other. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The way I look at it is, my little boy deserves the best mama ever, and if I can't do that without the medicine, then I need to be on it. 

Decisions

Things have been crazy in the past month. I can't believe I just finished my 5th year teaching (6th since I've been out of college). I also can't believe that this month Jake and I will be celebrating 3 years of marriage and in August it will be 6 years of dating. Reed just turned 9 months and he is going to be a year before I know it. I don't even know where the time goes. 

I haven't written recently because I've had trouble finding the words to say about what is going on right now. In the past month I've been faced with a really large decision to make.... I don't want to explain the exact situation right now just because a final decision has yet to be reached. However, the anxiety that is surrounding this situation is the real issue. 

I have been dealing with this big decision for a few months. Honestly, I've been putting off thinking about it. Jake would ask me if I wanted to talk about it and I'd immediately shut down. The thing about decisions is that almost always some one ends up disappointed.... And if there is one thing I hate doing it is disappointing people. Consequently, what always ends up happening is I sacrifice my desires. 

In order to avoid that this time around, I've spent a lot of time in prayer reflecting on what God's will is for me. I just want to do what He wants me to do, go where He believes I can best serve Him and others and please Him. Yet, I struggle because I have a husband and a family. And sometimes, my husband's faith is not as strong. 

Recently, I had a conversation with a co-worker who told me that the thing about decisions is that even though we try to do God's will, we still have free will. My co-worker told me that he didn't believe there was a wrong choice, and that either decision God will use me according to His will. Yet, I am a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and I truly believe that God gives you signs as to what He desires for your life. I truly believe that some of the toughest situations I have faced have resulted in God's will for me. 

About a month ago, I was 100% certain of my decision. Then, shortly after Memorial Day, something came to my attention that made me doubt my decision. So, 

within a week, I was 100% certain of the opposite decision. So certain in fact that I begin taking the necessary steps to make the decision permanent. Yet, again, two more events made me go back to my original choice.... And here I am again feeling like I don't know what to do. 

No matter what choice I make someone's losing. I can make the choice I truly believe is God's will for me and forever have disappointed my husband. Or, I can make the choice my husband believes is the correct one and possibly sacrifice my happiness. 

I'm truly stuck here. Its times like this that I wish my husband and I were on the same level with our faith. I don't know what else to do except pray for him that he may see what God's will is for me and that we can make this decision together. My husbands lack of faith is causing my so much anxiety involved with making this decision. Day in and day out this is on my mind. 

Lord, no matter what choice I make, I pray I please You and my husband. 

Finding The Balance

Recently, I started Weight Watchers. I was able to lose about 20 lbs after I had Reed, but I haven't been able to drop the extra 15 that I gained or the extra 10 that I should have lost before I was pregnant. I've done Weight Watchers before and had some success with it and my mother in law and mother have both had success with it so I decided to try it as well. So far, so good. I've lost over 5 lbs and it's been about a month. 

The thing about Weight Watchers is that you have to track everything you eat. You are given a daily point value based on your age and weight. Every food has a point value based on the fat, carb, fiber, and protein content. Let me tell you... your points add up fast if you aren't smart about what you eat or drink. Most fruits and vegetables are zero points. Higher content foods are more points. The other thing is that you have to use portion control. You need to actually be eating the serving size and nothing more- or it's more points!

Last night, Jake and I went out to eat for Teacher Appreciate Day- Applebee's was giving free meals to teachers. I had done pretty well all day and specifically worked on saving my points for dinner by eating a lot of fruits and vegetables for breakfast and lunch. Anyways, the 5 choices teachers were able to pick from were too many points, so Jake offered to switch. He would pick something off of my menu so I could choose a Weight Watchers "approved" item.

Naturally, because I have to track everything that I eat, I started to calculate my points value for how much I could eat, and yes, how many beers I could drink! I looked up from my phone to a very frustrated husband.... He said to me "I am happy you are doing this but why are you becoming so obsessed? You are tracking every piece of food that enters your mouth!"

I've always had trouble finding the balance. I've never been successful at losing weight because almost always it's turned into an issue of starvation. It's not just weight loss. It's other things. Jake tells me he doesn't believe I can be an amazing mother and an amazing teacher.... that one will always come at a sacrifice of the other. I don't know if I believe that... but I really do have trouble finding the balance... Readers- I'm open to suggestions. How do you find the balance??? 

  

Never Good Enough

A large part of my anxiety stems from never feeling like I'm good enough. Actually, I'm not sure if my anxiety causes me to feel that way or if I feel that way because I have an anxiety disorder. It's kinda like which came first, the chicken or the egg. Regardless, I feel like my lack of believing in my self has really been getting to me lately. 

Growing up, I always participated in extra curricular activities. Dance, cheerleading, softball, chorus, band etc etc.... But the truth was, I was never really amazing at any of them. I always tried really hard, but there was always this feeling like I was never good enough. In highschool, I was smart, not the smartest student in school. I always felt like I was seeking out praise from my teachers or coaches. I don't really know why. I always just wanted to have one thing that I was REALLY good at.... but I never found it. 

Now, as an adult I am still seeking out that praise. Even though I work really hard, I feel like I'm not always getting the recognition I am seeking. In turn, I get worried that I am not doing enough and that I am going to fail. Then I start to overcompensate and work harder. Often times, stressing myself out beyond belief. Sometimes resulting in tears and panic attacks. 

I get jealous. I get jealous of others who receive the praise I feel like I am seeking. Don't get me wrong. My husband is a wonderful man and praises me. My friend Jessica is amazing and is constantly praising me for my hard work. And recently, my principal has praised me. But, I still find my self feeling like what I do isn't good enough. I still get jealous. Sometimes, I just feel down. Like I will never be good enough. Like I will never have that one thing that I excel at. 

Honestly, the only thing that has helped me break this vicious cycle is remembering what The Bible says:

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" 1 Corinthians 10:31. I constantly need to ground myself in this verse. I want to do everything for the glory of God. I want Christ's love to radiate through my every word and move. Sometimes, I fail. Sometimes, I am not the "Christly" person that I know God wants me to be. 

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly jealous of a co-worker. At night, I crawled into bed and began to read my "Girlfriends in God" daily devotional. Ironically, the title was "Envy- Wrecking" and the truth of the day was "Do not envy others- it only leads to harm." Psalm 37:8. Continuing on it speaks of 1 Corinthians 13:4 "Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud."

Honestly, sometimes I am amazed at the way God's truth calms my anxiety. This week, I am going to try to focus on not envying others because it causes me harm. I can not radiate Christ's love if I am envious. 

The truth is, I'm not good enough. I don't deserve Jesus Christ's sacrifice. But I know that God sent his son to die for my sins.  And even though I'm not good enough, God still loves me- AND THAT IS AMAZING!    

    
 

Show Up and Shut Up

Our series in church right now is about suffering. Today's message talked about how people tend to minimize or materialize. Basically, when someone is dealing with a hard time we tend to try to justify why they are experiencing that pain (materialize) or try to tell them it could be worse (minimize).

One of the things I can't stand, is when I open up to someone about my anxiety and they tell me "it's all in my head" or "it could be worse." When I lost Kalee, the hardest thing to hear was "you'll have another one" "it could be worse" or when I got pregnant with Reed, "it's all ok now because you're pregnant again."

All I want sometimes is someone to listen. Someone to tell me that what I experienced with my miscarriage sucked and there really is no explanation for it. And that it's ok that I'll never get over it... that Kalee will forever be apart of me. And that dealing with anxiety does suck, and it's not in my head but it's a real condition that is a struggle to overcome.

Today's message was how, as Christians, we need to "Show up and Shut up." Just be there for someone and listen to them. Don't try to minimize their pain or materialize it. Just listen. I encourage you, if someone you know is suffering, just SHOW UP AND SHUT UP!